Clive White’s Blog

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Wimbledon – the alternative verse

Clive, hi…I read this today.  Thought I’d beat him to it. Cheers, Mark
Got a strawberry up your arse?
You’ll need some cream for that of course.
Wimbledon has opened up its doors
To sweet love-all and gentle snores
Got nothing else this week to do?
That’s how long it takes to queue
Tickets cost more than your pay packet
Booked [...]

A Parent’s Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to [...]

Gender Poetry

I’M GLAD I’M A MAN
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west.
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I [...]

Breast Exam Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside [...]

“Favorite Things” Revised For Retired People

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the [...]

Fathers day

Canadian Well-Fare

I think this applies to England as well

Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, “You come no more,
We send cash right to your door.”
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, Canadian dummy.
Write to friends [...]

Who’s in Heaven?

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp -
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was [...]

Male & female poetry

WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man,
who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages [...]

The Ant

A morning poem

A tiny angel

Received in my email thought this is the best way to pass it on, not that I believe or anything like that I just thought that it was cute.

20 Keys To A Happy Life

1) Compliment 3 people everyday!
2) Watch a sunrise
3) Be the first to say “hello”
4) Treat everyone as you want to be treated
5) Live beneath your means
6) Forget the Joneses
7) Never give up on anybody – miracles happen!
Remember someone’s name
9) Be kinder than you [...]

Slow dance

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don’t dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won’t last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask “How are you?”
Do you hear [...]

Not so long ago…

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a [...]