Clive White’s Blog

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The Golf Joke

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”
The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”
“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never [...]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He’d walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on [...]

I hate my job

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. [...]

A 75 year old man goes to the doctor for a check up

Doctor: “You’re doing fairly well for your age.”
Patient: “You think I’ll live to be 80?”
Doctor: “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?”
Patient: “No, I’ve never done either.”
Doctor: “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
Patient: “No, red meat is unhealthy!”
Doctor: “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, such as playing golf?”
Patient: [...]

On his 77th birthday,

On his 77th birthday, an old Sioux Indian Chief named Keechi Totoc was made by his squaw wife to visit the medicine man living in a nearby tee-pee. It was rumored he had a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction, which in Indian talk was called ‘Little Big Horn’.
The medicine man slowly and [...]

Three kids come down to the kitchen

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he [...]

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude,  while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a [...]

The Mob was looking for a new man

The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what [...]

Little Timmy was goinig on a fishing trip

Little Timmy was goinig on a fishing trip with his father one weekend. All packed up and ready they take off. About an hour after putting in and setting their lines, Little Timmys father takes out a beer, cracks it open and sets it down hoping that Timmy didn’t notice.
Timmy [...]

The blonde joke

In the city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt [...]

The blonde joke

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the [...]

The blonde jokes

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: [...]

What Do You Wish For?

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.
One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.
All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.
The brunette said, “I wish I was home in my [...]

New Scientific Element: WOMAN

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left [...]

Bad day

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers. The kid says, “Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma.” The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says “Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa” The next day the grandpa dies. [...]

The universal joke (just substitute any sports team you don’t like).

It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.” The next little boy says: “I’m Andy [...]

The blonde joke

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should [...]

The blonde joke

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, “What’s the problem? Wouldn’t your cat eat them?” The woman’s eyes got very large, and she whispered, “Do you mean to tell me that ‘Pussy Treats’ are for [...]

A woman arrived at a party

Twilight

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