A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class, closely observe the worms,” said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
Tax Form Humor
MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) – The city’s tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.
The forms – with such lines as, “If we can tax it, we will,” – were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.
The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called “misguided” by city Finance Director John Lyons.
Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.
Among the lines that city officials didn’t think were very funny was this one:
“Free advice: if you don’t have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work.”
Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
“Fred,” the driver replies.
“Fred what?” the officer asks.
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The man replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
“When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
“After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
“Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I’m just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A Florida teen was caught yesterday using a stuffed horse to masturbate in a Walmart in Brooksville, Florida, about 50 miles north of Tampa.
The Smoking Gun reports that 19-year-old Sean Johnson went to the store’s comforter section and used the toy to masturbate before placing it back on the shelf among the other items. He left the store and was promptly arrested in the parking lot.
The police report details the incident in no uncertain terms:
At approximately 1420 hours, the defendant Sean Johnson selected a brown, tan and red-stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department. The defendant then proceeded to the comforter aisle in housewares and proceeded to pull out his genitals which were in an aroused state. The defendant then proceeded to hold the stuffed horse’s chest area to his genitals and proceeded to hump the stuffed horse using short fast movements. The defendant continued his action until he achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area.
The defendant then placed the soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also. The defendant then exited the store and left the property. Contact was made with the defendant directly across the street.
After being arrested, Johnson later confessed in a written statement that he “did unmentionables to a stuffed animal.” He also stated, “I need to think before what I do. I’m extremely sorry.”
The Kennedys-After Camelot, ReelzChannel and Muse Entertainment‘s long-gestating followup to The Kennedys 2011 miniseries, has been green lighted as a four-hour miniseries to premiere on Reelz and Canada’s Corus Entertainment in 2016.
Katie Holmes, who starred as Jackie Kennedy in The Kennedys, will reprise that role as Jackie O in the new miniseries. Holmes will also serve as executive produce and will direct one of the four episodes. Jon Cassar, who directed all 8 episodes of The Kennedys, will direct the other 3 episodes and also will executive produce.