On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life…..better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…..as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”
Then POOF!…she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, “Harry!… Harry!… where are you?”
Harry yells, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows.”
Fred screams back: “DON’T SWING!!! FOR GOD’S SAKE!!! DON’T SWING!!!”
Tired of hitting on people with the same pick up lines every week? Just try out some of these and I’m sure you’ll find someone to dance the kipples (1796) with you.
Lexicographer Jonathan Green compiled hundreds of years of dirty talk in “Green’s Dictionary of Slang.” Included was jargon for sex from the past 600 years that The Week used to create a list of the most “adorable” sex slang.
Hey, girl. Fancy a fanoodle? 1611
I’d love to join giblets with you. 1680
Want to have a refreshment? Of the horizontal variety? 1863
I’d love to play nug-a-nug with you. 1505
I just want to shoot twixt wind and water with you allllll night. 1665
You know you want to take a ride below the crupper with me. 1578
Hey, girl. Want to houghmadandy? 1700
Come back to my place and we can rumpscuttle and clapperdepouch any way you want. 1684
And, of course, I think we should board a land carrack together. 1604
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.