Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”
“Relax honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. “Where are you going?” Jane asked. “I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.”
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”
“What is it?” she cried excitedly.
“OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’ And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’ ” The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
“Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”
“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.
“Very good. Six seconds.” “Eh, uh, the heart?”
“Very good! Four seconds.”
“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”
“That’s close enough!” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!
My Husband Keeps Falling Asleep
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”
“Amen,” replied the congregation.
The African Ambassador
An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it’s time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded – you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette”. He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick”.
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:“One of them’s a cannibal.”
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
“There may be,” he replied. “Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.”
Both were excused.
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1. Tokyo and Moscow
2. Corinthians (after the port city Corinth)
3. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
4. Great Expectationsa Philip Pirrip, nicknamed Pip, an orphan and the protagonist and narrator of Great Expectations. Throughout his childhood, Pip thought that his life would be to become trained as a blacksmith. As a result of Magwitch’s anonymous patronage, Pip travels to London and becomes a gentleman. All along, Pip was under the impression that his benefactor was Miss Havisham, as opposed to Magwitch.
5. Truffle The “black truffle” or “black Périgord truffle” is named after the Périgord region in France and grows with oak and hazelnut trees. Specimens can be found in late autumn and winter, reaching 7 cm in diameter and weighing up to 100 g. Production is almost exclusively European, with France accounting for 45%, Spain 35%, Italy 20%, and small amounts from Slovenia, Croatia and the Australian states of Tasmania and Western Australia
6. Black Coffee (All Saints)
7. Greta Garbo She is closely associated with a line from Grand Hotel, one which the American Film Institute in 2005 voted the 30th most memorable movie quote of all time, “I want to be alone, I just want to be alone”, a theme echoed in several other roles. For example, in Love (1927) a title card reads, “I like to be alone”; in The Single Standard (1929) her character says, “I am walking alone because I want to be alone”; in the same film, she sails to the South Seas with her lover on a boat called the All Alone; in Susan Lenox (Her Fall and Rise) (1931) she says to a suitor, “This time I rise… and fall… alone”; in Inspiration (1931) she tells a fickle lover, “I just want to be alone for a little while”; in Mata Hari (1931) she says to her new amour, “I never look ahead. By next spring I shall probably be… quite alone”; and in Ninotchka the (1939) the motif is lampooned when emissaries from Russia ask her, “Do you want to be alone, comrade”? “No”, she says. By the early 1930s, the phrase had become indelibly linked to Garbo’s public and private personae.
8. VolgogradVolgograd, formerly called Tsaritsyn (1589–1925) and Stalingrad (1925–1961), is an important industrial city and the administrative center of Volgograd Oblast, Russia. It is 80-kilometer (50 mi) long, north to south, situated on the western bank of the Volga River. The city became famous for its resistance, extensive damage, and death toll during the Battle of Stalingrad in World War II.
9. The Red Baron
10. 2 hours. 55 minutes. 15 seconds.